AT&T Sued For Reducing Speed Of 'Unlimited' Data Plans

The Federal Trade Commission announced on Tuesday that it is suing AT&T for slowing down the data speeds for some customers who thought they were getting an “unlimited” data plan.

After some customers exceeded a certain amount of data during a billing cycle, AT&T slowed, or "throttled," the customers' Internet speed, the agency claims.

"The company has misled millions of its mobile customers, charging them for so-called unlimited data plans that were in reality not unlimited at all," Edith Ramirez, chairwoman of the FTC, said during a call with reporters Tuesday afternoon.

The FTC said AT&T did not "adequately" inform customers who had signed up for the company's unlimited data plan that their speeds would be slowed if they used a certain amount of data, which was sometimes as little as 2 gigabytes during a billing cycle. Streaming one hour of Netflix in HD can use as much as 3 gigabytes.

The agency alleged that in some cases, AT&T slowed the data speeds of some of these customers by more than 90 percent, preventing people from being able to stream movies, load websites or use the phone's GPS function. The FTC said 3.5 million customers have been throttled 25 million times.

In a statement, AT&T's general counsel, Wayne Watts, called the FTC's complaint "baseless" and said that the company has been "completely transparent with customers since the very beginning” that it would throttle people with unlimited plans. The company began the practice in 2011.

"We informed all unlimited data-plan customers via bill notices and a national press release that resulted in nearly 2,000 news stories, well before the program was implemented," Watts wrote in a statement to The Huffington Post.

From 2007 to 2011, AT&T was the only carrier in the U.S. to offer the iPhone. The company stopped offering "unlimited" plans in June 2010. Customers who had previously purchased unlimited plans were "grandfathered" in when they signed new contracts, though the FTC said they weren't informed that they may be throttled.

The FTC said that AT&T got thousands of complaints from customers who said their speeds were slowing down. Then, AT&T went after people who canceled their service, the agency said

"When customers canceled their contracts after being throttled, AT&T charged those customers early termination fees, which typically amount to hundreds of dollars," the FTC said in a statement.

As phones and apps have become more advanced and wireless networks have gotten faster, consumers have gobbled up increasing amounts of data. The average mobile customer in the U.S. used 1.4 gigabytes per month in 2013, according to Cisco, the networking equipment company. That figure is expected to increase to 9.1 gigabytes per month by 2018.

In response to increased data consumption, wireless companies have moved to tiered data plans, which offer a fixed amount of data each month. If a person goes over their plan, they have to pay a penalty.

AT&T said that throttling has to do with managing network congestion -- there is a finite amount of spectrum, and the more people use it, the slower it gets for everyone. But Ramirez told reporters that the throttling "had no particular relation to the network's congestion at the specific time."

"It looks like AT&T was trying to push people into more expensive plans," Delara Derakhshani, policy counsel for Consumers Union, an advocacy organization, said in a statement to HuffPost. “Consumers have been complaining about throttling for years. We’re glad the feds are going after companies that are ripping people off."

"We think that millions of customers have been affected and we hope to put money back in their pockets," Ramirez told reporters.

Sexual Addiction

What Is Sexual Addiction?

Sexual addiction is best described as a progressive intimacy disorder characterized by compulsive sexual thoughts and acts. Like all addictions, its negative impact on the addict and on family members increases as the disorder progresses. Over time, the addict usually has to intensify the addictive behavior to achieve the same results.

For some sex addicts, behavior does not progress beyond compulsive masturbation or the extensive use of pornography or phone or computer sex services. For others, addiction can involve illegal activities such as exhibitionism, voyeurism, obscene phone calls, child molestation or rape.

Sex addicts do not necessarily become sex offenders. Moreover, not all sex offenders are sex addicts. Roughly 55 percent of convicted sex offenders can be considered sex addicts.

About 71 percent of child molesters are sex addicts. For many, their problems are so severe that imprisonment is the only way to ensure society’s safety against them.

Society has accepted that sex offenders act not for sexual gratification, but rather out of a disturbed need for power, dominance, control or revenge, or a perverted expression of anger. More recently, however, an awareness of brain changes and brain reward associated with sexual behavior has led us to understand that there are also powerful sexual drives that motivate sex offenses.

The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” In other words, a sex addict will continue to engage in certain sexual behaviors despite facing potential health risks, financial problems, shattered relationships or even arrest.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders, Volume Four describes sex addiction, under the category “Sexual Disorders Not Otherwise Specified,” as “distress about a pattern of repeated sexual relationships involving a succession of lovers who are experienced by the individual only as things to be used.” According to the manual, sex addiction also involves “compulsive searching for multiple partners, compulsive fixation on an unattainable partner, compulsive masturbation, compulsive love relationships and compulsive sexuality in a relationship.”

Increasing sexual provocation in our society has spawned an increase in the number of individuals engaging in a variety of unusual or illicit sexual practices, such as phone sex, the use of escort services and computer pornography. More of these individuals and their partners are seeking help.

The same compulsive behavior that characterizes other addictions also is typical of sex addiction. But these other addictions, including drug, alcohol and gambling dependency, involve substances or activities with no necessary relationship to our survival. For example, we can live normal and happy lives without ever gambling, taking illicit drugs or drinking alcohol. Even the most genetically vulnerable person will function well without ever being exposed to, or provoked by, these addictive activities.

Sexual activity is different. Like eating, having sex is necessary for human survival. Although some people are celibate — some not by choice, while others choose celibacy for cultural or religious reasons — healthy humans have a strong desire for sex. In fact, lack of interest or low interest in sex can indicate a medical problem or psychiatric illness.

What Causes Sexual Addiction?

 

Why some people, and not others, develop an addiction to sex is poorly understood. Possibly some biochemical abnormality or other brain changes increase risk. The fact that antidepressants and other psychotropic medications have proven effective in treating some people with sex addiction suggests that this might be the case.

Studies indicate that food, abused drugs and sexual interests share a common pathway within our brains’ survival and reward systems. This pathway leads into the area of the brain responsible for our higher thinking, rational thought and judgment.

The brain tells the sex addict that having illicit sex is good the same way it tells others that food is good when they are hungry. These brain changes translate into a sex addict’s preoccupation with sex and exclusion of other interests, compulsive sexual behavior despite negative consequences and failed attempts to limit or terminate sexual behavior.

This biochemical model helps explain why competent, intelligent, goal-directed people can be so easily sidetracked by drugs and sex. The idea that, on a daily basis, a successful mother or father, doctor or businessperson can drop everything to think about sex, scheme about sex, identify sexual opportunities and take advantage of them seems unbelievable. How can this be?

The addicted brain fools the body by producing intense biochemical rewards for this self-destructive behavior.

People addicted to sex get a sense of euphoria from it that seems to go beyond that reported by most people. The sexual experience is not about intimacy. Addicts use sexual activity to seek pleasure, avoid unpleasant feelings or respond to outside stressors, such as work difficulties or interpersonal problems. This is not unlike how an alcoholic uses alcohol. In both instances, any reward gained from the experience soon gives way to guilt, remorse and promises to change.

Research also has found that sex addicts often come from dysfunctional families and are more likely than non-sex addicts to have been abused. One study found that 82 percent of sex addicts reported being sexually abused as children. Sex addicts often describe their parents as rigid, distant and uncaring. These families, including the addicts themselves, are more likely to be substance abusers. One study found that 80 percent of recovering sex addicts report some type of addiction in their families of origin.

Symptoms of Sexual Addiction

 

While there is no official diagnosis for sex addiction, clinicians and researchers have attempted to define the disorder using criteria based on chemical dependency literature. They include:

Frequently engaging in more sex and with more partners than intended.

Being preoccupied with or persistently craving sex; wanting to cut down and unsuccessfully attempting to limit sexual activity.

Thinking of sex to the detriment of other activities or continually engaging in excessive sexual practices despite a desire to stop.

Spending considerable time in activities related to sex, such as cruising for partners or spending hours online visiting pornographic Web sites.

Neglecting obligations such as work, school or family in pursuit of sex.

Continually engaging in the sexual behavior despite negative consequences, such as broken relationships or potential health risks.

Escalating scope or frequency of sexual activity to achieve the desired effect, such as more frequent visits to prostitutes or more sex partners.

Feeling irritable when unable to engage in the desired behavior.

You may have a sex addiction problem if you identify with three or more of the above criteria. More generally, sex addicts tend to organize their world around sex in the same way that cocaine addicts organize theirs around cocaine. Their goal in interacting with people and in social situations is obtaining sexual pleasure.

In 2010, the American Psychiatric Association issued its preliminary criteria for “Hypersexual Disorder,” which may be a possible alternative definition or diagnostic label for sex addiction. You can find the symptoms for hypersexual disorder here.

Treatment for Sexual Addiction

 

If you are seeking help for sex addiction, there are a number of treatment programs available. The best-known programs in the United States include Sierra Tucson in Arizona, Tulane University’s program in New Orleans and the Menninger Clinic’s program in Topeka, Kan.

Most of these programs approach sex addiction with the same strategies that have proven effective in treating chemical dependency. Since sex addiction is more common among substance abusers, many chemical dependency programs offer a sexual addiction program or component.

Here are some questions you should ask when looking for a good sex addiction treatment program:

What percentage of the therapy program will be focused on sexual addiction and compulsiveness?

What are the groups that address these issues?

What is the staff’s experience facilitating the groups or program for sexual addiction and compulsiveness?

Is the program based on a 12-step philosophy, and are there appropriate 12-step meetings to attend while in treatment?

In addition, look for these components in a treatment program:

A separate group that allows couples to work on the more intimate issues of their relationship

Education about sexual addiction and compulsiveness that clarifies misconceptions about this highly misunderstood set of behaviors

A disclosure process facilitated by trained staff who understand the vulnerability of each family member and make appropriate decisions about which family members need to hear what information about the specific symptoms and behaviors. This is essential in developing a therapeutic relationship between the patient and family.

Time for the family members or spouses to receive support in processing and debriefing information that the individual discloses during treatment

A focus on the health risks involved for both partners and how to address these in a continuing care plan

Unlike drug or alcohol treatment, the goal of sexual addiction treatment is not lifelong abstinence, but rather a termination of compulsive, unhealthy sexual behavior. Since it is very difficult for a sex addict to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy sex, programs usually encourage abstinence from any sexual behavior during the first phase of treatment. Many programs suggest a 60- to 90-day period of self-imposed abstinence. This enables you, along with the treatment team, to understand the emotional cues and circumstances that trigger sexual thought and compulsive sexual behavior.

Treatment Focus

Treatment will focus on two main issues. The first is the logistical concerns of separating you from harmful sexual behavior in the same way drug addicts need to be separated from drugs.

Accomplishing this might require inpatient or residential treatment for several weeks. An inpatient setting protects you from the abundance of sexual images and specific situations or people that trigger compulsive sexual behavior. It’s simply harder to relapse in a structured and tightly controlled setting. Sometimes, you can succeed in an outpatient setting with adequate social, family and spiritual support.

The second and most difficult issue involves facing the guilt, shame and depression associated with this illness. It takes trust and time with a competent therapist to work through these emotions. If you are very depressed, the best treatment might be an inpatient residential setting where professionals can monitor and properly manage your symptoms.

Breast Cancer

the breast. There are two main types of breast cancer: Ductal  carcinoma starts in the tubes (ducts) that move milk from the breast to the nipple.

Breast cancer symptoms

Perhaps the most recognized symptom of breast cancer is a lump or mass in the breast tissue. While many women go to their doctor after finding a lump, they should also be aware of any other changes to the breast or nipple.

With the different types of breast cancer come a variety of related symptoms. For example, invasive ductal carcinoma (IDC), which forms in the milk ducts, may cause a distinct breast lump that you can feel. Invasive lobular carcinoma (ILC), which forms in the milk-producing glands, may cause a thickening in the breast.

Breast cancer symptoms

Symptoms of breast cancer vary from person to person. Some common breast cancer signs and symptoms include:

Skin changes, such as swelling, redness, or other visible differences in one or both breastsAn increase in size or change in shape of the breast(s)Changes in the appearance of one or both nipplesNipple discharge other than breast milkGeneral pain in/on any part of the breastLumps or nodes felt on or inside of the breast

Symptoms more specific to invasive breast cancer are as follows:

Irritated or itchy breastsChange in breast colorIncrease in breast size or shape (over a short period of time)Changes in touch (may feel hard, tender or warm)Peeling or flaking of the nipple skinA breast lump or thickeningRedness or pitting of the breast skin (like the skin of an orange)

Causes

Over the course of a lifetime, 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer.

Risk factors you cannot change include:

Age and gender -- Your risk of developing breast cancer increases as you get older. Most advanced breast cancer cases are found in women over age 50. Men can also get breast cancer. But they are 100 times less likely than women to get breast cancer.

Family history of breast cancer -- You may also have a higher risk of breast cancer if you have a close relative who has had breast, uterine, ovarian, or colon cancer.

Genes -- The most common gene defects are found in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes. These genes normally produce proteins that protect you from cancer. If a parent passes you a defective gene, you have an increased risk of breast cancer. Women with one of these defects have up to an 80% chance of getting breast cancer sometime during their life.

Menstrual cycle -- Women who got theirperiods early (before age 12) or went throughmenopause late (after age 55) have an increased risk of breast cancer.

Other risk factors include:

Alcohol use -- Drinking more than 1 to 2 glasses of alcohol a day may increase your risk of breast cancer.

Childbirth -- Women who have never had children or who had their first child after age 30 have an increased risk of breast cancer. Being pregnant more than once or becoming pregnant at an early age reduces your risk of breast cancer.

DES -- Women who took diethylstilbestrol (DES) to prevent miscarriage may have an increased risk of breast cancer after age 40. This drug was given to the women in the 1940s through the 1960s.

Hormone therapy (HT) -- You have a higher risk of breast cancer if you received hormone therapy with estrogen for several years or more.

Obesity -- Obesity has been linked to breast cancer, although this link is not well understood. Experts think that obese women produce more estrogen. This may fuel the development of breast cancer.

Radiation -- If you received radiation therapy as a child or young adult to treat cancer of thechest area, you have a very high risk of developing breast cancer. The younger you started such radiation and the higher the dose, the higher your risk. This is especially true if the radiation was given during breast development.

Exams and Tests

The doctor will ask about your symptoms and risk factors. Then the doctor will perform a physical exam. The exam includes both breasts, armpits, and the neck and chest area.

Tests used to diagnose and monitor patients with breast cancer may include:

Breast MRI to help better identify the breast lump or evaluate an abnormal change on a mammogram

Breast ultrasound to show whether the lump is solid or fluid-filled

Breast biopsy, using methods such as needle aspiration, ultrasound-guided, stereotactic, or open

 

CT scan to check if the cancer has spread outside the breast 

Mammography to screen for breast cancer or help identify the breast lump

PET scan to check if the cancer has spread

Sentinel lymph node biopsy to check if the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes

If your doctor learns that you do have breast cancer, more tests will be done. This is called staging, which checks if the cancer has spread. Staging helps guide treatment and follow-up. It also gives you an idea of what to expect in the future.

Breast cancer stages range from 0 to IV. The higher the stage, the more advanced the cancer.

Treatment

Treatment is based on many factors, including:

Type and stage of the cancer

Whether the cancer is sensitive to certainhormones

Whether the cancer overproduces (overexpresses) the HER2/neu gene

Cancer treatments may include:

Chemotherapy, which uses medicines to kill cancer cells.

Radiation therapy, which is used to destroy cancerous tissue.

Surgery to remove cancerous tissue: Alumpectomy removes the breast lump;mastectomy removes all or part of the breast and possible nearby structures.

Targeted therapy uses medicine to attack the gene changes in cancer cells. Hormone therapy is an example of targeted therapy. It blocks certain hormones that fuel cancer growth.

Cancer treatment can be local or systemic:

Local treatments involve only the area of disease. Radiation and surgery are forms of local treatment. They are most effective when the cancer has not spread outside the breast.

Systemic treatments affect the entire body. Chemotherapy and hormonal therapy are types of systemic treatment.

Most women receive a combination of treatments. For women with stage I, II, or III breast cancer, the main goal is to treat the cancer and prevent it from returning (curing). For women with stage IV cancer, the goal is to improve symptoms and help them live longer. In most cases, stage IV breast cancer cannot be cured.

Stage 0 and ductal carcinoma -- Lumpectomy plus radiation or mastectomy is the standard treatment.

Stage I and II -- Lumpectomy plus radiation or mastectomy with lymph node removal is the standard treatment. Chemotherapy, hormonaltherapy, and other targeted therapy may also be used after surgery.

Stage III -- Treatment involves surgery, possibly followed by chemotherapy, hormone therapy, and other targeted therapy.

Stage IV -- Treatment may involve surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, hormone therapy, other targeted therapy, or a combination of these treatments.

After treatment, some women continue to take medicines for a time. All women continue to have blood tests, mammograms, and other tests after treatment.

Women who have had a mastectomy may have reconstructive breast surgery. This will be done either at the time of mastectomy or later.

What Your Zodiac Sign Says About Your Drinking Habits

We all know (or should know) that horoscopes are self-fulfilling prophecies and are, overall, a load of crap. However, despite this nonsense, it is always interesting to see if they hold any merit.

Which behaviors do you actually exhibit that are consistent with your zodiac sign? Do you think this is indicative of a truth or just happen to be a coincidence? Think what you want and think what you may.

While I believe this is all a load of bullsh*t, it is always fun to explore what different signs say about an individual. What’s even more entertaining is to see how members of different signs interact with one another in various situations. Which signs get along with others and which do not?

In true Elite Daily form, we are gong to analyze the drunken behaviors behind each astrological sign. Take this lightly, since we all know astrology means sh*t anyway.

Aries:
Known for having an outgoing and friendly demeanor, an intoxicated Aries will bounce from person to person, checking in and making sure everyone else is enjoying themselves as much as the Aries is.

If not, you can count on this person to buy you enough shots until you are on his or her level. If you are ever in a bad mood, this is definitely the person you want to hit up for happy hour.

Taurus:
Said to be one of the more loyal astrological signs, this person will be by your side no matter what. Need a good wingman for the night? This is whom you should be calling.

Be careful though because once a Taurus is blacked out, the stubbornness will be sure to emerge. If they don’t like your game plan for the night, rest assured they will not succumb to this peer pressure, especially when alcohol is involved.

This is also perhaps the worst person to get into a drunken altercation with, as they are temperamental by nature.

Gemini:
This symbol represents twins and is known for its multiple personalities. You know how difficult it is to go out and drink with someone whose demeanor can change at the drop of a hat?

Geminis cannot tolerate indecisive people, so you better know exactly what you are doing that night and who you are seeing. Be careful when you go out with Geminis, as they cannot stand to remain in one place for too long.

You know that one friend who disappears the second they black out? Chances are he or she is a Gemini.

Cancer:
This is the emotional waste case, the person who starts crying in a heap on the floor when something does not go his or her way.

Cancers display an array of emotions in any given situation, which is why drinking with them is not always ideal. One moment they are having the time of their lives and the next they are screaming at the bartender.

Leo:
Get the liquor flowing and a Leo’s mouth will not stop moving. Leos don’t hold back their opinions, regardless if they are offensive.

Everyone knows how chatty people start to get after they’ve thrown multiple shots back. Be careful when trying to put Leos in their place, as their natural role is similar to a lion: a leader.

Virgo:
You can find these perfectionists sipping wine at the end of the bar, solo, after a rough day at the office. These are not your ideal drinking partners, as they tend to keep more to themselves as opposed to a crowd of people. Dive bars? Yeah right.

Virgos are neat freaks and hate less than exceptional establishments. If you are looking for a classy night out on the town, then look no further than your Virgo friend.

Libra:
A Libra is perhaps one of the best people to go out and get hammered with. They are the happy-go-lucky types who always want everyone to have fun.

They are level-headed, which is a great quality to have when getting sh*tfaced. When your two friends get in a fight, you can always count on a Libra to mediate the situation.

Scorpio:
Give a Scorpio a flight of tequila and watch his or her opinions unfold. Scorpios do not hold anything back, which can be both a good and a bad thing.

However, they are the people who will drink with you throughout any given situation. The best part is they tend to hide their emotions, so you never have to worry about your Scorpio friend getting sh*tfaced and crying in the middle of the bar.

Sagittarius:
Be careful when partying with a Sagittarius, as he or she has a sharp tongue by nature. Alcohol and anger do not mix well, so you better watch what you say around these people.

As they drink throughout the night, you will notice how their flirtatious personality quickly emerges. Need a wingman or double date partner? This is who you are going to call.

Capricorn:
Capricorns, or should we say chameleons, are the perfect drinking buddies, as they can acclimate to whichever situation they are thrown into.

This is your carefree friend who just wants to have fun. They don’t care who, what, when or where. They only care how — how they are getting f*cked up.

Aquarius:
Be careful when drinking with an Aquarius because one moment everything can be going great as you take shots at the bar, but the moment you slip up and piss him or her off, sh*t will hit the fan.

People of this sign have quick-changing personalities, which makes getting intoxicated with them an experience all in its own.

Pisces:
A Pisces displays the most extreme of emotions, which makes getting hammered with him or her quite interesting. Be careful of Pisces’ mood swings because that one extra shot can really throw them over the edge.

When trying to go on a spontaneous drinking endeavor, a Pisces would be at the top of your list, as they are the type to go with the flow rather than fight the current

The 9 Most Overlooked Threats To A Marriage

I feel bad for marital communication, because it gets blamed for everything. For generations, in survey after survey, couples have rated marital communication as the number one problem in marriage. It's not.

Marital communication is getting a bad rap. It's like the kid who fights back on the playground. The playground supervisors hear a commotion and turn their heads just in time to see his retaliation. He didn't create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he's the one who gets caught, so he's sent off to the principal's office.

Or, in the case of marital communication, the therapist's office.

I feel bad for marital communication, because everyone gangs up on him, when the truth is, on the playground of marriage, he's just reacting to one of the other troublemakers who started the fight:

1. We marry people because we like who they are. People change. Plan on it. Don't marry someone because of who they are, or who you want them to become. Marry them because of who they are determined to become. And then spend a lifetime joining them in their becoming, as they join you in yours.

2. Marriage doesn't take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Marriage doesn't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while.

3. Shame baggage. Yes, we all carry it it. We spend most of our adolescence and early adulthood trying to pretend our shame doesn't exist so, when the person we love triggers it in us, we blame them for creating it. And then we demand they fix it. But the truth is, they didn't create it and they can't fix it. Sometimes the best marital therapy is individual therapy, in which we work to heal our own shame. So we can stop transferring it to the ones we love.

4. Ego wins. We've all got one. We came by it honestly. Probably sometime around the fourth grade when kids started to be jerks to us. Maybe earlier if our family members were jerks first. The ego was a good thing. It kept us safe from the emotional slings and arrows. But now that we're grown and married, the ego is a wall that separates. It's time for it to come down. By practicing openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of vengeance, apology instead of blame, vulnerability instead of strength, and grace instead of power.

5. Life is messy and marriage is life. So marriage is messy, too. But when things stop working perfectly, we start blaming our partner for the snags. We add unnecessary mess to the already inescapable mess of life and love. We must stop pointing fingers and start intertwining them. And then we can we walk into, and through, the mess of life together. Blameless and shameless.

6. Empathy is hard. By its very nature, empathy cannot happen simultaneously between two people. One partner must always go first, and there's no guarantee of reciprocation. It takes risk. It's a sacrifice. So most of us wait for our partner to go first. A lifelong empathy standoff. And when one partner actually does take the empathy plunge, it's almost always a belly flop. The truth is, the people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy plunge ourselves?

7. We care more about our children than about the one who helped us make them. Our kids should never be more important than our marriage, and they should never be less important. If they're more important, the little rascals will sense it and use it and drive wedges. If they're less important, they'll act out until they are given priority. Family is about the constant, on-going work of finding the balance.

8. The hidden power struggle. Most conflict in marriage is at least in part a negotiation around the level of interconnectedness between lovers. Men usually want less. Women usually want more. Sometimes, those roles are reversed. Regardless, when you read between the lines of most fights, this is the question you find: Who gets to decide how much distance we keep between us? If we don't ask that question explicitly, we'll fight about it implicitly. Forever.

9. We don't know how to maintain interest in one thing or one person anymore. We live in a world pulling our attention in a million different directions. The practice of meditation--attending to one thing and then returning our attention to it when we become distracted, over and over and over again--is an essential art. When we are constantly encouraged to attend to the shiny surface of things and to move on when we get a little bored, making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act. And it is absolutely essential if any marriage is to survive and thrive.

As a therapist, I can teach a couple how to communicate in an hour. It's not complicated. But dealing with the troublemakers who started the fight? Well, that takes a lifetime.

And yet.

It's a lifetime that forms us into people who are becoming ever more loving versions of ourselves, who can bear the weight of loneliness, who have released the weight of shame, who have traded in walls for bridges, who have embraced the mess of being alive, who risk empathy and forgive disappointments, who love everyone with equal fervor, who give and take and compromise, and who have dedicated themselves to a lifetime of presence and awareness and attentiveness.

And that's a lifetime worth fighting for.

5 Signs Your Relationship Is Going To Last

Is your relationship in trouble? Having worked with thousands of couples during the last 46 years, I've seen over and over what creates relationship success or failure. Here are some choices that can make a huge difference:

1. You take responsibility for your feelings rather than expecting your partner to make you happy.

The major issue in relationships is whether you take responsibility for your feelings of worth, safety, lovability and happiness, or whether you make your partner responsible for these feelings.

If you believe that your partner is responsible for making you happy, safe and worthy, what do you do when he or she doesn't do what you want?

Do you:

Get angry, attack and blame, withdraw or find other ways to punish your partner?
Try harder to please your partner, giving yourself up?
Shut down and get depressed?
Turn to various addictions to fill the emptiness?
Have an affair?
Does any of this help your relationship?

The major way you can begin to heal your relationship is to learn how to love yourself — how to take loving care of your own feelings. Sharing love heals. Trying to get love destroys.

2. You show kindness, caring, and compassion toward your partner more often than you show judgment.

Do you treat yourself with kindness? Do you treat your partner with kindness? Do you have each other's back? Relationships heal and thrive with kindness, caring and compassion, but often fail when partners are not kind with themselves and each other.

Be honest with yourself: how often are you kind and caring, and how often are you judgmental toward yourself or your partner? If you're critical of your partner, chances are that you're also critical of yourself; self-judgment often leads to judgment of others. It's hard for love to thrive in this climate.

3. You try to learn instead of control.

At any given moment, we are always in one of two intents:

The intent to learn about loving ourselves and others
The intent to control, to get love and avoid pain
Consciously choosing the intent to learn about love is relationship-healing. Unconsciously choosing the intent to control is relationship-destroying.

Conflict gets lovingly resolved when both partners are intent on learning about themselves and each other. Conflicts often remain unresolved when one or both partners are intent on controlling.

4. You prioritize spending time with each other rather than always "getting things done."

Taking time to hang out together, to share your day, to cuddle, to make love, to play, to laugh together and cry together — these are all relationship healing choices. Staying focused on crossing off everything on your to-do list can be relationship-destroying. Couples thrive when there is time for connection, and they fall apart when getting things done consistently has a higher priority than connection.

5. You choose gratitude rather than complaining.

Having gratitude for the beautiful things about each other — the things that you first fell in love with — is relationship healing. Complaining, either about your partner or about things in general, is relationship destroying. Relationships thrive in the high frequency of gratitude, and wither in the low frequency of complaints.

Sometimes people try to connect through complaining about other people or situations, but this is connecting on the level of wounding rather than the level of love.

Loving relationships are all about connection, which occurs when you take responsibility for your own feelings, when you are kind and caring to yourself and your partner, when you focus on learning rather than controlling, when you take time to connect with each other, and when you share gratitude with each other.

I'm a Hazmat-Trained Hospital Worker: Here's What No One Is Telling You About Ebola

Ebola is brilliant.

It is a superior virus that has evolved and fine-tuned its mechanism of transmission to be near-perfect. That's why we're all so terrified. We know we can't destroy it. All we can do is try to divert it, outrun it. 

I've worked in health care for a few years now. One of the first things I took advantage of was training to become FEMA-certified for hazmat ops in a hospital setting. My rationale for this was that, in my home state of Maine, natural disasters are almost a given. We're also, though you may not know it, a state that has many major ports that receive hazardous liquids from ships and transport them inland. In the back of my mind, of course, I was aware that any hospital in the world could potentially find itself at the epicenter of a scene from The Hot Zone. That was several years ago. Today I'm thinking, by God, I might actually have to use this training. Mostly, though, I'm aware of just that -- that I did receive training. Lots of it. Because you can't just expect any nurse or any doctor or any health care worker or layperson to understand the deconning procedures by way of some kind of pamphlet or 10-minute training video. Not only is it mentally rigorous, but it's physically exhausting. 

PPE, or, personal protective equipment, is sort of a catch-all phrase for the suits, booties, gloves, hoods and in many cases respirators worn by individuals who are entering a hot zone. These suits are incredibly difficult to move in. You are wearing several layers of gloves, which limits your dexterity to basically nil, the hoods limit the scope of your vision -- especially your peripheral vision, which all but disappears. The suits are hot -- almost unbearably so. The respirator gives you clean air, but not cool air. These suits are for protection, not comfort. Before you even suit up, your vitals need to be taken. You can't perform in the suit for more than about a half hour at a time -- if you make it that long. Heat stroke is almost a given at that point. You have to be fully hydrated and calm before you even step into the suit. By the time you come out of it, and your vitals are taken again, you're likely to be feeling the impact -- you may not have taken more than a few steps in the suit, but you'll feel like you've run a marathon on a 90-degree day. 

Getting the suit on is easy enough, but it requires team work. Your gloves, all layers of them, are taped to your suit. This provides an extra layer of protection and also limits your movement. There is a very specific way to tape all the way around so that there are no gaps or "tenting" of the tape. If you don't do this properly, there ends up being more than enough open pockets for contamination to seep in.

If you're wearing a respirator, it needs to be tested prior to donning to make sure it is in good condition and that the filter has been changed recently, so that it will do its job. Ebola is not airborne. It is not like influenza, which spreads on particles that you sneeze or cough. However, Ebola lives in vomit, diarrhea and saliva  -- and these avenues for infection can travel. Projectile vomiting is called so for a reason. Particles that are in vomit may aerosolize at the moment the patient vomits. This is why if the nurses in Dallas were in the room when the first patient, Thomas Duncan, was actively vomiting, it would be fairly easy for them to become infected. Especially if they were not utilizing their PPE correctly. 

The other consideration is this: The "doffing" procedure, that is, the removal of PPE, is the most crucial part. It is also the point at which the majority of mistakes are made, and my guess is that this is what happened in Dallas.

The PPE, if worn correctly, does an excellent job of protecting you while you are wearing it. But eventually you'll need to take it off. Before you begin, you need to decon the outside of the PPE. That's the first thing. This is often done in the field with hoses or mobile showers/tents. Once this crucial step has occurred, the removal of PPE needs to be done in pairs. You cannot safely remove it by yourself. One reason you are wearing several sets of gloves is so that you have sterile gloves beneath your exterior gloves that will help you to get out of your suit. The procedure for this is taught in FEMA courses, and you run drills with a buddy over and over again until you get it right. You remove the tape and discard it. You throw it away from you. You step out of your boots  --  careful not to let your body touch the sides. Your partner helps you to slither out of the suit, again, not touching the outside of it. This is difficult, and it cannot be rushed. The respirators need to be deconned, batteries changed, filters changed. The hoods, once deconnned, need to be stored properly. If the suits are disposable, they need to be disposed of properly. If not, they need to be thoroughly deconned and stored safely. And they always need to be checked for rips, tears, holes, punctures or any other even tiny, practically invisible openings that could make the suit vulnerable. 

Can anyone tell me if this happened in Dallas?

We run at least an annual drill at my hospital each year. We are a small hospital and thus are a small emergency response team. But because we make a point to review our protocols, train our staff (actually practice donning/doffing gear), I realized this week that this puts us ahead at some much larger and more notable hospitals in the United States. Every hospital should be running these types of emergency response drills yearly, at least. To hear that the nurses in Dallas reported that there were no protocols at their hospital broke my heart. Their health care system failed them. In the United States we always talk about how the health care system is failing patients, but the truth is, it has failed its employees too. Not just doctors and nurses, but allied health professionals as well. The presence of Ebola on American soil has drawn out the true vulnerabilities in the health care system, and they are not fiscally based. We spend trillions of dollars on health care in this country -- yet the allocation of those funds are grossly disproportionate to how other countries spend their health care expenditures. We aren't focused on population health. Now, with Ebola threatening our population, the truth is out.

The truth is, in terms of virology, Ebola should not be a threat to American citizens. We have clean water. We have information. We have the means to educate ourselves, practice proper hand-washing procedures, protect ourselves with hazmat suits. The CDC Disease Detectives were dispatched to Dallas almost immediately to work on the front lines to identify those who might be at risk, who could have been exposed. We have the technology, and we certainly have the money to keep Ebola at bay. What we don't have is communication. What we don't have is a health care system that values preventative care. What we don't have is an equal playing field between nurses and physicians and allied health professionals and patients. What we don't have is a culture of health where we work symbiotically with one another and with the technology that was created specifically to bridge communication gaps, but has in so many ways failed. What we don't have is the social culture of transparency, what we don't have is a stopgap against mounting hysteria and hypochondria, what we don't have is nation of health literate individuals. We don't even have health-literate professionals. Most doctors are specialists and are well versed only in their field. Ask your orthopedist a general question about your health -- see if they can comfortably answer it.

Health care operates in silos -- we can't properly isolate our patients, but we sure as hell can isolate ourselves as health care workers.

As we slide now into flu season, into a time of year when we are normally braced for winter diseases, colds, flus, sick days and cancelled plans, the American people has also now been truly exposed to another disease entirely: the excruciating truth about our health care system's dysfunction -- and the prognosis doesn't look good.

Note: In response to some comments, I would like to clarify that I am FEMA-trained in level 3 hazmat in a hospital setting. I am a student, health guide and writer, but I am not a nurse.

Ferguson Officer Says He Feared For His Life

 The police officer who fatally shot an unarmed 18-year-old in a St. Louis suburb last summer has told investigators that he was pinned in his vehicle and in fear for his life as they struggled over his gun, The New York Times reported.

Ferguson, Missouri, police officer Darren Wilson has told authorities that Michael Brown reached for the gun during a scuffle, the Times reported in a story posted on its website Friday night. The officer's account to authorities did not explain why he fired at Brown multiple times after emerging from his vehicle, according to the newspaper.

The Times reported that the account of Wilson's version of events came from government officials briefed on the federal civil rights investigation into the Aug. 9 shooting that sparked racial unrest and weeks of protests, some of which turned violent. Wilson is white and Brown black.

Wilson confronted Brown and a friend while they were walking back to Brown's home from a convenience store. After the shooting, Brown died at the scene. Some witnesses have told authorities and news media that Brown had his hands raised when Wilson approached with his weapon and fired repeatedly. An independent autopsy commissioned by the family says that Brown was shot at least six times, including twice in the head.

The Times reported that Wilson has told investigators that he was trying to leave his SUV when Brown pushed him back in and that once inside the vehicle the two began to fight. Wilson told authorities that Brown punched and scratched him repeatedly, leaving swelling on his face and cuts on his neck, the Times reported.

Wilson, who had been patrolling Ferguson for nearly three years, was placed on leave after the shooting. A state grand jury is considering charges against him.

The Justice Department is investigating the Ferguson Police Department for possible civil rights violations, including whether officers there use excessive force and engage in discriminatory practices. Two-thirds of Ferguson's 21,000 residents are black but only three of its more than 50 police officers are black.

GOP Congressman Gets Boost From Racially Charged Ad

In a sign that the GOP may be concerned about one of its incumbents, the National Republican Congressional Committee released a television ad in Nebraska's 2nd Congressional District on Friday that ties the Democratic candidate to a convicted felon.

The ad hits state Sen. Brad Ashford (D), who is posing a strong challenge to Rep. Lee Terry (R-Neb.), for supporting the state's "good time" law, which is more than two decades old. The law gives prisoners a day off their sentence for every day they spend behind bars without violating prison rules. Nikko Jenkins, the subject of the ad, served just half of his 21-year prison sentence even though he reportedly displayed episodes of violent behavior while incarcerated. He is accused of killing four people in a 10-day span after his early release in 2013.

"The head of the Omaha police union says Nikko Jenkins is the posterchild for why the 'good time' law is a farce," the NRCC ad's narrator says. "Brad Ashford supported the 'good time' law and still supports it, allowing criminals like Nikko Jenkins to be released early."

The ad ends with Jenkins' mugshot displayed next to a picture of Ashford.

The NRCC's ad was immediately compared Friday to the infamous "Willie Horton" spot Republicans ran against Democratic presidential candidate Michael Dukakis in 1988. It linked the former Massachusetts governor to Horton, who went on a violent spree while on a weekend furlough from prison. That ad was criticized for its racial implications.

In a preview to the new ad, Terry held a press conference last week linking Ashford to the murders, arguing that the Democrat had opposed modifications to the law.

NRCC spokesman Tyler Q. Houlton said last week that the GOP is not worried about Terry's campaign, but rather felt compelled to highlight Ashford's legislative record.

"This is why we are helping Lee Terry and helping the voters get to know who Brad Ashford is because as soon as they see all this stuff and realize what this guy stands for, there's no way they're going to vote for him," Houlton said.

The Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee called on the NRCC to take the ad off the air after it was released, accusing Republicans of "playing up racial stereotypes" and "fear-mongering" in order to save Terry. The race between the two candidates has been unexpectedly competitive, in a district former Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney won by 7 points in 2012. In television ads, Democrats have been reminding voters of Terry's comments last year when he defended accepting his paycheck during the GOP-induced government shutdown.

On Friday, Ashford's campaign compared the latest ad to another spot Terry's campaign released that links the Democrat to beheadings by the Islamic State, or ISIS.

"Between Congressman Terry's fear mongering on beheadings yesterday and this latest ad today, it's clear that Congressman Terry is fearing for his political life and will say and do anything to keep his $174,000 salary," Ashford's campaign manager, Kurt Gonska, said in a statement Friday. "He's not ready for voters to send him into retirement and back to his 'nice house.'"

Democrats see the district as a rare opportunity to oust a Republican congressional incumbent, given that Terry won his re-election in 2012 by just 2 points.